Tiny Grass » Blog Archive » Talking Over a Prophylactic

Simple living, natural learning & exploring the world

Talking Over a Prophylactic

26 April 2008 10 views 8 Comments

Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.

Powered by WP Greet Box WordPress Plugin

The other night, as I got out of the shower, M is going through the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. I wasn’t concerned at all. He mostly just likes to look at the after-shaves and the perfumes and the band-aids. But I forgot that we recently relocated our condom stash in that cabinet. Oops. I am usually very open with my kids about most everything, so hiding things isn’t something I regularly think of. So here is what happened:

M: “Hey! What’s this thing?” (holding up the condom wrapper)

Me: I’m trying to re-arrange the horrified smirk on my face, and I go from “contorted Muppet” to “deer in the headlights” over the course of 3 seconds. “That’s a prophylactic.” Should I have said condom? Well, it’s too late to change it now. Why did I say prophylactic? Fuck!

M: “What’s a prophylactic?”

Me: “Oh, that’s something that me and daddy use to prevent me from getting pregnant.” Why the hell isn’t Arp ever here for these conversations?! What would he be saying differently? “Right now, we’re not ready to have another baby. Maybe in a few months, but not right now. You see, a long time ago, daddies and mommies didn’t have prophylactics, so they could have babies at any time, whether they were ready for a baby or not. I’m very glad that Daddy and I can plan when we have our next baby.” What am I telling him? The whole history of birth control? Does he want to know this? Did I just mislead him by implying that babies can happen at pretty much any moment unless you use a condom? Well, just remember – he will only ask for the information that he is ready to know about, what he is emotionally ready for. So I’ll just be as brief as possible with the answers. And I should smile to make him think I’m relaxed. (I contort my face in a semblance of an at-ease smile, but it still looks Muppet-like).

M: (Feeling the package) “It feels hard and round, but still bendable.”

Me: Shit! He’s gonna want to open it. Just what I need. “It’s sort of like a balloon that goes over Daddy’s penis.” He loves balloons! What was I thinking?

M: “How does it stop a baby when Daddy wears it on his penis?”

Me: Go back to nature. He knows nature. Isn’t this the reason we let them watch nature videos?! “Well, you know how animals make babies right? (M nods) We’ve seen that on the nature shows right? And remember you saw the sperm on that video about how mommies have babies? (M nods) Well, the prophylactic prevents the sperm from getting into my belly, where my eggs are stored. When a sperm comes together with an egg, that’s when a baby is made.” Oh my god. He better not ask me to describe sex. How can I explain that to the kid? I’m not ready for this.

M: “Is Daddy wearing one now?” (Note: Arp was currently at work in NYC)

Me: (a brief laugh) “No, he’s not wearing one now! He only has to wear one when Daddy and I have special private time alone together, which doesn’t happen very much since I’m almost always with you guys.” I really hope he doesn’t ask me for a definition of “special alone time”.

M:”Well, I think you should put the prophylactic right here, in front, so you always know where it is.” (He neatly arranges the condoms in a row in front of the various tubes and bottles in the cabinet).

Me: How sweet. He obviously really cares about my access to birth control. What a son!

8 Comments »

Julie said:

OMG – How *sane*!
Contrast this to the “sex education” that only talks about the “evils” of sex – abstinence is the only answer. Makes me so angry.
I see a healthy young man developing.

Julie’s last blog post..April 13, 2008 – Stop!

# 27 April 2008 at 5:19 pm

Trish (author) said:

Thanks, Julie. I’m pretty satisfied with how the talk went, but it still freaks me out a bit anyway. Maybe my feelings are just remnants of a childhood filled with embarrassment over sex, where talking to my parents about it was never an option.

Here’s to a new generation of people that won’t have the issues that I grew up with!

# 27 April 2008 at 8:30 pm

Summer said:

LOL How funny! I hope he keeps that attitude as an adult.

it’s funny for me, I can talk sex to my kids all day and it’s not big deal. Condoms, pregnancy, birth. Eh, no big deal. But when Evan asks me what a church is and why people go I get the deer in the headlights look. How do you explain stuff like that???

Summer’s last blog post..Choice: Something Women Can’t Have

# 29 April 2008 at 10:36 am

Trish (author) said:

You know, birth never bothers me. He’s seen the most graphic pictures of birth, and that is no big deal. It’s the idea of telling him about penises going into vaginas that gives me a heart attack.

As far as church, no biggy for me. “Some people believe….blah blah blah.” This is coming from an atheist/pantheist, but I find that the idea of what some people believe is just so laughable, that it causes us all to widen out eyes. For instance….”Some people believe there is this one god that watches us all the time to see if we do exactly what he wants us to do. And if we don’t, we burn in the fires of hell for eternity” Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s always good for a laugh!

# 29 April 2008 at 1:02 pm

Kalyespeak said:

Saw your blog via thegoodblogs.

Great story! Hahaha, liked the ending, a twist worthy of a movie, or at least, a public service announcement.

Kalyespeak’s last blog post..Elementary – Balita ko… It’s Dangerous. (The Pepe Saga)

# 29 April 2008 at 9:58 pm

Susan said:

Hey! You checked out my site, now I’m peeking in at you. Moving to Costa Rica? Keep in touch. Love to have more unschoolers!

# 30 April 2008 at 9:03 am

Arp said:

What freaked me out was when I came home and Trish said I might have to demonstrate how a condom fits on a penis. Otherwise, this encapsulates why Trish is the coolest chick ever. (< --- insert floating hearts and fluttery eyes here)

# 30 April 2008 at 9:43 am

Karla said:

I laughed out loud three (3) times while reading this

It doesn’t bother me much to talk to my girls about sex. Maybe because they are a bit older than yours. Mike is not as comfortable. Maybe the whole dad/daughter thing… But what really sends me into a panic is the thought of them hearing or, yikes! walking in on Mike and I during “special alone time.” I barricade the door like we are waiting for a tornado. But, that doesn’t panic Mike as much as talking about it does. Go figure.

# 1 May 2008 at 6:49 pm