I really don’t know how schooling parents do it.  Today I was up before 7am and for me, it is an ungodly hour.  It’s cold, it’s dark, and it reminds me of waking up for school.  I can’t believe that people do this on a regular basis, motivate their kids and get them ready to leave the home.  Then there’s the after-school activities, sports & the like.  I don’t have any issue with them (especially if it’s interest-based instead of resume fillers), but on top of spending hours and hours away from the kids it seems like a lot.  Just running from one place to another multiple times a day is stressful.  When do these families get to spend time together?  An hour a day and a few on weekends?  How sad.

And in NYC, picking a middle school is now a big deal.  11 school visits?  Interview prep?!  Just reading that makes me feel their stress.  Sure it’s NYC and not the typical suburb or town where the choice is limited to one, but you know this will catch on.  (At one time, cramming for SATs with Kaplan was rare, now it’s common.)  It’s not unwarranted – if you spend more time away from your kids than with, you do as much as possible to feel better about the decision since you won’t be there to guide them when they really need it.  All in the name of the Rest of Their Lives.

This stress over schooling supports the fact that institutional education is little more a 16 year job interview.  In grammar school kids are taught to shut up, do what they’re told and withhold their natural curiosity and instincts unless the time is ‘appropriate.’  A good classroom is just like a good office – quiet & busy.  By high school, many kids have been ‘socialized’ and stay quiet on their own, while the ones who don’t are threatened with poor wages, eternal damnation and the spectre of the Bad Permanent Record.  (Good students get this too – I have to send Ms. Kenny, a guidance counselor in high school, a nice f*ck you for actually calling my mom and stressing her out over *my* permanent record back in the day.)

College is the final piece of the puzzle for many since non-physical office-oriented labor is prized over manual labor, regardless if you have an actual interest in auto mechanics or construction or not.  The Right School is part of the process to impress someone else enough to be hired.  You can sugarcoat it, but in the end it’s a 16 year path with the same repeated goal over and over again – to hear someone else say you’re good enough.  It’s about measurable results and not the learning itself (the latter can be supremely satisfying and motivating- read more on focussing on results vs process here).  I really hope my kids, if they decide to go to college, will study something that moves & fascinates them, with the goal of learning as much about it as possible.

It’s hard to see things from the schooling parent point-of-view, but a local tribe member shared something this week that opened my eyes.  Author unknown, and since it’s from a Geocities page, it’s probably been around for 10 years:

Two women meet at a playground, where their children are swinging and playing ball. The women are sitting on a bench watching. Eventually, they begin to talk.

W1: Hi. My name is Maggie. My kids are the three in red shirts –helps me keep track of them.

W2: (Smiles) I’m Patty. Mine are in the pink and yellow shirts. Do you come here a lot?

W1: Usually two or three times a week, after we go to the library.

W2: Wow! Where do you find the time?

W1: We homeschool, so we do it during the day most of the time.

W2: Some of my neighbors homeschool, but I send my kids to public school.

W1: How do you do it?

W2: It’s not easy. I go to all the PTO meetings and work with the kids every day after school and stay real involved.

W1: But what about socialization? Aren’t you worried about them being cooped up all day with kids their own ages, never getting the opportunity for natural relationships?

W2: Well, yes. But I work hard to balance that. They have some friends who’re homeschooled, and we visit their grandparents almost every month.

W1: Sounds like you’re a very dedicated mom. But don’t you worry about all the opportunities they’re missing out on? I mean they’re so isolated from real life — how will they know what the world is like –what people do to make a living — how to get along with all different kinds of people?

W2: Oh, we discussed that at PTO, and we started a fund to bring real people into the classrooms. Last month, we had a policeman and a doctor come in to talk to every class. And next month, we’re having a woman from Japan and a man from Kenya come to speak.

W1: Oh, we met a man from Japan in the grocery store the other week, and he got to talking about his childhood in Tokyo. My kids were absolutely fascinated. We invited him to dinner and got to meet his wife and their three children.

W2: That’s nice. Hmm. Maybe we should plan some Japanese food for the lunchroom on Multicultural Day.

W1: Maybe your Japanese guest could eat with the children.

W2: Oh, no. She’s on a very tight schedule. She has two other schools to visit that day. It’s a systemwide thing we’re doing.

W1: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, maybe you’ll meet someone interesting in the grocery store sometime and you’ll end up having them over for dinner.

W2: I don’t think so. I never talk to people in the store –certainly not people who might not even speak my language. What if that Japanese man hadn’t spoken English?

W1: To tell you the truth, I never had time to think about it. Before I even saw him, my six-year-old had asked him what he was going to do with all the oranges he was buying.

W2: Your child talks to strangers?

W1: I was right there with him. He knows that as long as he’s with me, he can talk to anyone he wishes.

W2: But you’re developing dangerous habits in him. My children never talk to strangers.

W1: Not even when they’re with you?

W2: They’re never with me, except at home after school. So you see why it’s so important for them to understand that talking to strangers is a big no-no.

W1: Yes, I do. But if they were with you, they could get to meet interesting people and still be safe. They’d get a taste of the real world, in real settings. They’d also get a real feel for how to tell when a situation is dangerous or suspicious.

W2: They’ll get that in the third and fifth grades in their health courses.

W1: Well, I can tell you’re a very caring mom. Let me give you my number–if you ever want to talk, give me call. It was good to meet you.