But here I am with my 12 week old baby, and today I took her outside on 5-6 separate occasions and cued her with a “pssss” sound and she peed!  I even caught my first poop today!  I can’t help but be incredibly impressed that I’m having a whole communication process with my 12-week-old about peeing and pooping, and she really understands.  Not only that, but I reduced the amount of diapers that I used today quite a bit. And B’s butt was dry for quite some time. I’m sure that feels great to her.

We aren’t ECing full time right now.  Right now, on a good day, I’ll have B diaper-free for about half the day.  The rest of the daytime she wears cloth diapers.  Sometimes she’ll be in a cloth diaper and I’ll just take it off when I sense that she needs to pee.  Other days I get really busy or exhausted, and B will spend the day in cloth diapers.  At nighttime, we don’t EC at all.  I use a few disposable diapers at night.  Right now, I just don’t have it in me to sit up in bed and do the EC thing.

This is how we started ECing:

The first week or so of ECing I viewed as an observation period.  I started this when B was about 8 weeks old, which was when things calmed down enough after the birth that I thought I could handle trying this.  Whenever I had time, I would lay B down on a waterproof changing pad and take off her pants and diaper.  I’d put a cloth prefold diaper under her to absorb any pees. I would pay careful attention to what she was doing and when she was peeing.  I would try to notice what sorts of facial expressions and body movements she was making when she peed.  And whenever she peed, I would make the cue noise (psssssss) and tell her, “Yes! You are peeing!”

After those first observation weeks, I decided to give the cuing a try right around when I thought she might have to pee.  I’d take her outside and put her in a supported squat against my back and make that same “psssssss” noise.  I was shocked to find that she had learned the noise, and she peed most of the time when I took her outside. I think she is peeing partially because I am so in tune with her and I can tell when she needs to go. She is also partially responding to the cue noise. So our communication is going both ways.

Of course, sometimes I am wrong in my guesses, and she doesn’t pee.  When that happens, no big deal.  Other times I’m not really paying attention, and she sometimes pees on me.  Again, no big deal.  I have changes of clothes, and pee isn’t that gross or anything. When she pooped on me at the beach, that was pretty gross, but I got over it.

One nice part about ECing is that I feel like our family has recaptured the ancient wisdom of the past. Arp tells me that he thinks his grandmother practiced Elimination Communication. She lives in India, where EC was typical, but may be dying out due to the influx of disposable diapers. By the time Arp came along, his mother tried making the cue noise with him, but combined it with some regimented, power-based, traditional potty training. It is clear that the wisdom had been lost in Arp’s family. Sadly, breastfeeding in his family has also become a lost art. Like many developing nations, the new generation seems to be following in footsteps of the west, with reduced breastfeeding rates combined with the (wrong!) belief that formula is easier and better than breastfeeding. Ditto homebirth. Arp’s mother was the last member of his family to be born at home. My children are changing those trends. We are going back to some of the old ways with ECing, breastfeeding, and homebirth. Now, if only we can convince a few of Arp’s cousins to give them a try, too. Unfortunately, Arp doesn’t hold much hope that they will.

Whenever I nursed my first two children in public, in the United States, I was almost always confident and sure of myself.  I never used a cover-up, and I nursed just about everywhere I went.  Restaurants, stores, parks, museums. Sure, in the first few months of nursing my first child, public nursing made me a little nervous.  But once I got some practice, there were no worries.  But here is the important point: the United States is my home country.

Nursing in public changed entirely for me once I arrived in Costa Rica.  My family and I are immigrants here.  Although my newest child, born in Costa Rica one month ago, is a Costa Rica citizen, my family and I are still somewhat like strangers in the culture.  We may be in the process of achieving residency here, but we haven’t exactly become natives. There is so much that is unfamiliar to us here, including the language.  Although my goal is to become fluent in Spanish, learning has been a lot slower than I’d like simply because I’m a really busy mother. Sometimes when I walk around town, I have no idea what the people around me are saying.

You might be wondering what all this might have to do with  breastfeeding.  Well, ever since coming to Costa Rica, I’ve been really stressed about nursing in public.  It’s not because Costa Rica has any laws preventing public breastfeeding.  It’s also not due to Costa Rican breastfeeding culture.  I mean, Costa Rica is a country that really values motherhood, fatherhood, and family life.  Heck, I’ve seen teenagers here walking down the street and happily holding hands with their parents or grandparents.  The reason I’m suddenly uncomfortable has a lot to do with my own sense of cultural awareness, or lack of it.

You see, in the United States, I knew that if anyone ever confronted me in public about breastfeeding in public, I would be armed with information about the law which I could share with the offended person.  Or I could just tell them off.  Here in Costa Rica, it’s not so easy for me.  Not only am I not that familiar with the laws, but I would be unable to explain myself in Spanish if I were ever confronted.  This really stresses me out.

I also sometimes have trouble reading the cultural signals.  For instance, when my family and I were sitting in a park one day, an older woman once gave me and my husband some very negative looks.  We had no idea why she was looking at us this way.  Was it because my kids were climbing on the metal fence at the park?  Was it because I was wearing shorts (in some instances, shorts are not socially acceptable for adults here).  Was it my nose-ring?  Or maybe the woman was just having a bad day?

In a public breastfeeding situation, I fear that I won’t be able to read the signals that people are giving me.  For instance, are the men who avert their eyes from breastfeeding just being polite, or are they horrified to see a woman with her breasts out in public? Am I expected to using a nursing cover-up, or can I just lift my shirt with no problem?  Will people be uncomfortable if I nurse my four-year-old?  And what about nursing in restaurants and other public places?  Will breastfeeding be OK everywhere?

Just the other day, I nursed my four-year-old for the first time in front of our maid, Olga.  Even though I was nursing in my own house, I was a little nervous about what her reaction would be.  Would she be shocked or embarrassed?  Would it be a source of discomfort for us on the days when she was cleaning our house?  When I nursed J, Olga luckily smiled right away and put me at ease.  That made me feel so much better.  But a few minutes later, she asked me something in Spanish about it.  I didn’t understand much of what she said, but I got the feeling that she was asking me if it was OK to nurse both children in tandem.  She ended her questions by saying, “es bueno?”  So I said, “Si!  Es bueno.”  But I wish I had a better handle on the language so that I could have understood what her concern was, and so that I could have explained myself better (such as, “Yes, I have plenty of milk” or “Yes, I don’t mind nursing both of my children”, etc.).  But lack of language skills prevented me from doing that.

On the other hand, maybe part of the reason I’m so stressed about nursing in public here in Costa Rica has more to do with my experiences in my home country than my new country.  Even though I’ve never actually had anyone harass me for nursing, the stories I’d hear on the news coming from the US make it clear that there is much legal and social work to be done before all US women can fearlessly nurse in public.  Regardless of our legal rights, there are occasional incidents where women are harassed in the US.  In this new country of mine, it’s hard to put aside my history of living in the United States.  My friend W, a LLL leader here in Costa Rica, tells me she has never heard of anyone being harassed during public breastfeeding here.  But still, I worry.

As a volunteer who supported mothers in their efforts to breastfeed in the United States, I admit that I really didn’t even think much about the immigrant breastfeeding mother.  Most of the mothers that I helped were US citizens, just like me.  But now that I’ve put myself in this entirely new culture and country, I wonder more about how putting a woman in an unfamiliar situation affects her willingness to breastfeed, whenever and wherever.  After all, many of us would be more able to be brave on our own turf than in a strange place.  I’m wondering how I can better support the immigrant mother in her breastfeeding efforts.  Definitely something to think about.

More posts from the Carnival of Breastfeeding on nursing in public:

• Grudgemom: Nursing in a room full of people you know
• Lucy and Ethel Have a Baby: Nursing in Public (Boobs) Out and Proud
• PhD in Parenting: Would you, could you nurse in public?
• Dirty Diaper Laundry: Breastfeeding in Public – Talents – I haz it
• Kim through the looking glass: Here? At the restaurant?
• MumUnplugged: Aww, is he sleeping?
• Massachusetts Friends of Midwives: Nursing in Public: Chinatown, the Subway, the Vatican, and More
• Mother Mary’s Soapbox: June Carnival: Breastfeeding in Public
• Mommy News & Views Blog: Breastfeeding in Public
• Breastfeeding 1-2-3: To Cover or Not to Cover
• Stork Stories: Little Old Men…& Nursing in Public
• Chronicles of a Nursing Mom: Why Worry About NIP?
• Warm Hearts Happy Family: Breastfeeding and the Summertime
• Blacktating: Thank You For Nursing in Public
• Musings on Mamahood: NIP, no tuck
  
• Motherwear’s Breastfeeding Blog: Get kicked off a bus for nursing in public?  Here’s how to respond.
• Mama Knows Breast: Adventures in Breastfeeding: Products That Can Help You Breastfeed in Public
• BabyREADY: A wee NIP in the park!!
• Tales of life with a girl on the go: Planes, trains and automobiles – we’ve breastfed in them all
• Breastfeeding Moms Unite!: Nursing in Public: A Fresh Perspective on Nurse-Ins
• Never a Dull Moment…: Breastfeeding Hats? YES! Nursing Covers? Uh… Not So Much
• Breastfeeding Mums: Nursing in Public – What’s a Breastfeeding Mother to Do!!
• Hobo Mama: Easy, discreet way to breastfeed a toddler in public

Welcome to April’s Carnival of Breastfeeding!

This month’s theme is “how to.”  Be sure to check out the contributing bloggers’ posts, linked at the bottom of this post.

As I come closer and closer to the birth of my third child, I’ve had to remind myself what a challenge the act of tandem nursing can be.  When my second baby, J, was born, I nursed her in tandem with M, her 2.5 year old brother.  I continued to tandem nurse for another 2.5 years, when M self-weaned at the age of 5.  While I was mostly glad to be nursing both my children for those years, I’m the first to admit that there were some struggles along the way.  I had to ask for help on more than one occasion, and there were some times when things were hard for me.  As a person who currently works as a volunteer helping women to breastfeed, I can well understand when pregnant women with older nursing children express nervousness about tandem nursing when another child is born.  I thought I’d write this post to tell all those pregnant women, “Fear not! Help is available!”  With a little preparation, reading, and help you can nurse multiple children. Even though the paths of tandem nursing are rarely predictable, I can attest that it can be a very rewarding experience for all the people involved.  So here are some of my ideas for making the transition as easy and happy as possible:

• Read up, preferably ahead of time. There are several good resources out there with a wealth of information.  One of my favorite resources is Hilary Flower’s book, Adventures in Tandem Nursing.  This wonderful book not only covers the science behind nursing in tandem and during pregnancy (including issues of safety), but it also covers the psychological issues that may crop up.  La Leche League also has several pages on the topic, such as this or this.  And as always, Kellymom.com has a wealth of information.
• Talk to other moms who have nursed their children in tandem. It can be so helpful to hear experiences from women who have been there before.  I’ll never forget when I found out from another tandem mom that I wasn’t the only one who had an older child who basically stopped eating solids for a month after my milk came in from the new baby.  It can sometimes be hard to find other local mothers who have done it, however.  One way to find contacts is to ask your local La Leche League Leader (find your local leaders  by looking here).  I’ve also noticed that a high proportion of LLL Leaders have tandem nursed themselves, so they are often a great resource.
• Be prepared for criticism. Although I do occasionally meet other mothers who have nursed their children in tandem, I don’t think it’s all that common, at least in the United States.  Or maybe it’s that mothers just don’t talk about it a whole lot.  But either way, there is a whole slew of people, doctors included, that don’t realize it is possible, recommended, or safe to tandem nurse.  (Although they are wrong!) So be prepared to meet at least a person or two that will be shocked or alarmed that you are doing it.  One way to handle the critique is to read up ahead of time (see resources above).  Knowing the facts can help you to brush off the negativity.  You might also pick and choose which people you share your nursing choices with.  After all, it’s none of their business anyway.
• Let go of your preconceptions. If there is one thing that tandem nursing isn’t filled with, it’s predictability.  How will I feel about nursing two children together?  How will my older child react once the baby is born? Some questions can only be answered with time.  You just won’t know how it’ll all work out until you are there, working it out.
• Let go of the guilt. Many a tandem mom has felt guilty about something or other.  Am I giving as much as I can to the new baby?  How can handle the occasional feeling of resentment that I have towards the older child?  Why isn’t this working out the way I wanted it to?  Am I asking for too much help from my husband? By and large, these feeling are normal.  Talk them out with your partner or a friend that is supportive of your nursing efforts.  And remember that it isn’t only tandem mamas that feel guilt.  Even if you weren’t tandem nursing, you’d likely have any number of conflicted emotions when dealing with the changes that come with a new baby.  Allow yourself to have those feelings, and talk them out.
• Concentrate on the basics. You know – eating,  sleeping, cuddling, nursing.  This is helpful advice for any mom with a new baby, but even more so when you are embarking on tandem nursing.  In the first few weeks, you and your children will be learning many new things.  Not only will you have to deal with all the normal learning processes of nursing a new baby, but also how to fit an older child into the mix.  So clear your calendar, stay in bed, and ask your family and friends for help with all the other stuff.  And don’t feel guilty for asking (see point above!)
• Remind yourself why you are tandem nursing. Maybe you are in favor of self-weaning.  Or you know how much nursing means to your older child.  Perhaps you want your illness-prone older child to continue to ingest the antibodies in breast milk.  Or you want to minimize jealousy when the new baby comes.  We all have our own (ever changing) reasons for choosing to tandem nurse.  But when things get overwhelming, it can help to remind ourselves what those reasons are.

With 4 weeks to go until my third baby is due, I’m glad to have written this post.  It helps to remind myself of some of the challenges ahead.  But mostly, I’m just excited to hold my baby in my arms, and to share more of the joy of having two of my babies (the new one and the older one) nursing in my arms together.

Don’t miss these posts from other bloggers:

• Marketing Mama: How to pump successfully at work
• Mama Saga: How to breastfeed (or just look like you know what you’re doing)
• BabyReady: How to get baby to take a bottle
• Strocel: How to get breastfeeding off to a good start
• Baby Carriers Down Under:  How to breastfeed hands-free
• Blacktating: How to treat a cold while breastfeeding
• Breastfeeding Moms Unite: How to become a breastfeeding support professional
• Breastfeeding Mums: How to wean a breastfed toddler
• Mama Knows Breast:  How to get a spouse to help with breastfeeding
• Breastfeeding 1-2-3: How to teach your baby nursing manners
• Zen Mommy:  Using YouTube to stop nosey questions!
• Natural Birth and Baby Care: How to improve milk supply through nutrition
• Happy Bambino:  How to deal with unsupportive family members
• The Bee in your Bonnet: How to be comfortable around nursing mothers
• MoBleez: How to naturally increase your milk supply – try seaweed
• Milk Act: How to care for a sick nursling
• Maher Family Grows: How to to increase milk supply using supplements

It not a big deal in our house, but I’m sometimes caught off guard when other people question it. The most frequent reaction when people hear is one of wide eyes, and then the inevitable, “Why do your kids call you by your first names?”  I’m usually caught off guard because I frankly don’t think about it much.  But when I do think about it, it doesn’t bother me in the least.  In fact, I think I actually prefer it.  I feel it actually takes some of the hierarchy issues out of the family equation, and that is very much preferred by Arp and I in this unschooling family.

The other day, I was again confronted with the familiar question when I was at a friend’s house.  When I talked a little about how I thought that M calling me by my first name took away some of the hierarchy in our relationship, this friend/mother told me something along the lines of that she wouldn’t really like it very much if her kids called her by her given name.  So I got to thinking – why do people insist children call their parents by “mom” and “dad”?

Here’s why I think some people insist on kids calling parents by a title (mom or dad), and why I don’t think these reasons work for us:

• To show respect or honor. This is definitely not something I’m concerned with.  I don’t need the title of Mom to know that my kids respect me.  That’s because, in our family, respect is not generally based on age, power, or role.  Respect is based on our own individual human identity.  I treat my kids with respect, and they respect me because of that, and because I love and honor them for who they are.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I happened to give birth to them.

I like how this blogger puts it:

If anything, you honor your parents more by calling them by their first names — by acknowledging them as individuals with complex identities, histories, hopes and dreams of their own, not just the ones centered around you. Calling them ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ exclusively is reducing them to only the role they play in relation to you, just as if they were to call you ‘Son’ or ‘Daughter’ exclusively.

Words are hypnotic. You are lulling each other into the familiar comfort of habitual roles and behavior patterns. You are one-dimensionalizing each other, type-casting each other. You are reinforcing limits around your relationships (some of which, I realize, are there for good reason, but not all) and the identities of each individual involved.

• To reinforce hierarchy and enforce discipline. Again, this is nothing that I’m concerned about.  In a traditional (read, archaic) family, discipline may be based on power and hierarchy.  Not in our family.  In our family, we all respect each other and learn from each other.  Discipline is about learning.  Learning how to survive in the world, how to set your own goals and achieve them.  I don’t want my children to do things just because someone in power told them to do them.  I want them to think critically and act with kindness.  They are learning to do that by our example, not just because I told them to do it.  So if I don’t need the power, why do I need the title?
• Social Custom. No doubt about it – calling your parents by “mom” and “dad” is a social custom in some cultures.  But interestingly, it’s not a custom in all cultures.  I googled this issue and came to find that kids in the Tongan culture, for example, call their parents by given name.  I’m not sure, but I have a feeling that I could probably dig up a few more cultures that do the same if I had the time.  Now, customs can be useful, but some customs are not.  I’ve never been one to keep useless or objectionable customs just for the sake of the custom.  For example, when Arp and I got married, together we chose a new last name.  The custom of a woman taking her husband’s name wasn’t working for me for several reasons, but I wanted our family to all have the same name.  So we broke with custom and both chose a new name.
• “Mom” and “Dad” as a term of endearment. I can kind of understand this one.  When you first hear your baby say “ma” or “da”, you can’t help but feel love.  Likewise, sometime when I’m spending time with my kids, I say things like, “you are the best son/daughter in the whole world!”  It’s a way of saying, “I love you!”  But I see signs of love all the time in our family, and they are mostly not based on whether my kids call me mom.  When M started calling me Trish, I looked deep and realized that he still loved me exactly as he did before.  And he still knows I’m his mom, he just doesn’t always have to declare it.

So there you have it.  No “mom” and “dad” needed.  We still love each other and know how we are related, and my kids are still pretty polite and well-behaved.  Is that really that shocking?

In honor of my nurslings right to receive  both food and comfort anywhere and anytime they need it, here is a list of just some of the places I have nursed my two children:

• on the floor at Barnes and Noble, with my two week old son nursing in my lap.
• at the grocery store – on one of those hard benches by the cash registers.
• grocery store – in a sling as I walked and did my shopping.
• in any number of places in Central Park, NYC
• at my local suburban playground
• in a church
• at the library
• in the mall – on one of those public benches right in the middle of things.
• in the mall – food court
• At the Bronx Zoo – food court and Bengali Express Monorail
• On the subway and subway station, NYC
• At the Metropolitan Museum of Art, NYC, and the Museum of Natural History, NYC
• At tons of La Leche League meetings
• Attachment Parenting meetings
• In the pediatrician’s waiting room and exam room
• At my own doctor’s appointments
• Lot’s of restaurants – TGI Friday’s, Cheesecake Factory, Chinese Buffet, and even some “nicer” restaurants.
• At many many beaches, with bikini pulled aside, in  the U.S. and a few in Costa Rica
• In the jungle, Costa Rica, with howler monkeys in attendance
• On my couch
• In bed, almost every night (except for maybe a 3 month period after M self-night-weaned while I was pregnant with J) for the last 6.5 years.

(I think I’ll have to edit this post as I think of other places that I’ve nursing my children.  I’m sure there are many more places to add to the list.)