tiny grass

We’ve taught M about gender equality since he was born and watching Palin constantly rehash talking points the other night brought a neat idea to mind.  While explaining what we were watching (like we did with the first presidential debate), I realized that to M, it is perfectly normal for men and women to be running for the White House.  And it shouldn’t be 24 years until it happens again (since Hillary will undoubtedly run again as soon as she can), so this won’t be overcome by years of all-male tickets.

The idea of gender equality popped into our heads the other day when he corrected Trish.  She was talking about driver’s ed, referred to the instructor as he.  That prompted M to stop her and say Or it could be a she! We should’ve known that would happen - months ago when we talked about the election process and the presidential candidates, we showed him a picture of the Obamas and … he wasn’t sure whether it was Barack or Michelle that was running.  How cool is that?

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It was just brought to my attention that New York State has an entire campaign dedicated to the dangers of co-sleeping. What the fuck. Could this be any more idiotic and wrongheaded? Read more »

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(Thanks to Arun at The Parenting Pit for this great writing idea!)

What they are saying:

M: “I’m not a boy. I’m a superhero!”

J: “Boobies are good for me.” “No kisses. Just hugs.” “It’s not a tushie. It’s a butt.”

What they love doing:

M: Playing with superheros. Watching superhero movies. Telling his sister what to do, and getting frustrated when she wants to do it her own way. Reclaiming his spot in the family bed, and loving the cuddling. Inventing new superpower abilities and being absolutely convinced that he has them. Using Google PicLens to look at all sorts of pictures of his favorite interests: sharks, dinosaurs, dragons, Easter Island, and Nudibranches. Gymnastics.

J: Cuddling with Arp and I. Nursing hourly. Watching Scooby Doo. Listening to us read ghost stories, especially her “scary book” from the library. Playing in the sandbox. Creating nests in the top bunk with stuffed animals and her brother. Shouting out the names of the characters, along with M, at the beginning of the Justice League episodes. Debating which superhero is her favorite, and reminding me of the real names of each superhero. Going over all the names that everyone goes by (Daddy is also Arp, is also Arpy….Mum is also Mommy, is also Trish, is also Trisha…). Mixing up all the tempera paints until they look like mud, and then swirling in more color. Painting herself.

What I am loving about them:

M: How he has taken on the superhero persona and gotten this amazing confidence. He has none of the fear or shyness that I had for so long as a child. He believes that he can do amazing things! It’s so inspiring that I’m beginning to think that I can too.

J: She is just so darn cuddly and loving. We really care about each other, and it is so wonderful to have that relationship with my daughter.

Some of their quirks:

M: There are so many things that he wants to do all by himself (opening car doors, putting the ovaltine in his milk, velcroing his sneakers…) and yet there are some things that I absolutely have to do for him, like helping him get on his pullup at night, or his socks in the morning. His preferences as to who does each thing seem to have no rhyme or reason, they just are, and they are absolute.

J: She just loves to be naked. I know many little kids do, but she does it with such wild abandon that even I am sometimes amazed. The way she will throw off her clothes and then run out the door and across the yard so fast that it is all I can do to peek outside and see a glimpse of her tush streaking by. The days when I could be that free were so long ago, and I hope to prolong it for a while for J.

What I want to remember from today:

The talk I had with M about his impressions of New York City. The comfortable and safe feel of nursing J and reading to her. J’s happiness when she wakes up and sees her Daddy for the first time each morning and takes his hand. Rolling over in bed and seeing M awake and smiling at me, knowing that he is happy and trusting of me since he happily came back to the family bed, to welcoming arms.

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M has a thing against secrets. He can’t stand ‘em. The couple of times we thought it would be fun to tell him about a secret (like We’re going somewhere special tomorrow - it’s a secret), he insisted on knowing and quickly moved on to a borderline, teary-eyed fit. I was surprised he was taking it so hard, and revealed the answer to prevent the situation from needlessly escalating. We’ve learned it’s not a a game to play with him. Dunno why, but he can’t stand it. So it figures that we’d think that he’d be able to keep a secret, right?

Yesterday, J lost her favorite doll (named Doc) during a trip to the mall. She slept in the car and when we got back I had a talk with M that until we had a chance to go acquire another one, we were going to tell her the partial truth that we did not know where it was. That part was true - we had no idea exactly where it might be. This would be plausible to J, since toys get lost all the time. We could then hold-off on reacquiring the doll for a few days.

When J woke up she and M were in the bedroom by themselves for a bit. Within a few minutes she miraculously found out that Doc had been lost at the mall, and was, as might be expected, quite upset. I was in the grocery store at the time and made a sidetrip to buy another doll, hoping the whole time the store would have one in stock. On the way there, I was upset that M told her. Why would he do it? It’s not unusual for them to argue and her to get upset, but it’s usually because he’s brutally honest and doesn’t stop talking.

It didn’t make sense that he would say something knowing that she would get upset. And I tried to think along unschooling lines, to think that a child is trying to do right instead wrong. So I came back to expectations - maybe we were expecting him to do something that he honestly couldn’t. That’s when I made the connection with his aversion to secrets. It did seem unreasonable to expect someone who couldn’t handle having a secret kept from him to keep one from someone else. He’s done it lots of times, actually, like revealing presents to people before they can be opened. M can’t do secrets. It made sense.

After I got the second-to-last doll, I called Trish on the way home to discuss my realization. And instead of asking him to keep another secret, I told him I found the doll ‘in a fold of the stroller’ that had escaped our attention before. M was pleasantly surprised, J was happy Doc was found, and I’m glad I wasn’t home to just get upset and jump to a conclusion.

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This is my entry for the May 31st 2008 edition of the Thinking Parents Wiki.

The topic for this edition was: What Would You Be Doing Right Now If You Had No Kids?

It seems to me that one way to rephrase that question would be: What would you be like today if parenthood had not changed you?

I guess there are probably a few parents out there that were unchanged by parenthood. Although I think they are few and far between, and probably they are just resisting the change or denying that it is happening. Most parents that I talk to seem to be utterly changed by parenthood. After kids, your outlook changes and your values change. Look at this old post of mine to see the huge changes that occurred in me.

So the question becomes, what would I be doing right now if those huge events of having children and giving birth had not happened?

For one thing, I’d probably be like most of the childless people I know and I’d have absolutely no clue what life with children is like. I’d spend time talking to other single people about how parents should really just take control of their children. Enforce the rules! Be consistent! I’d sit in some coffee house or restaurant rolling my eyes at all the horrible parents with their scrubby-looking children. (Actually, I do that now, but mostly I do it with the emotionally abusive parents, and the kids that are literally eating their own boogers. And only in family restaurants. If I didn’t have kids, I’d dish out the criticism to parents with kids that do anything other than sit still and smile.) I’d practice saying, “Why don’t they just get a babysitter?” regularly.

As far as careers, I have no idea where I would be right now. Before kids, I hated working at most every job I have ever had. I have gone through many stumbling career paths. I lasted about 7 days at Wendy’s and 3 days busing tables at a local restaurant. I hated publishing, and the 2 years I spent on that endeavor were wasted. Teaching was OK, but I always felt that most days I was just wasting everyone’s time (an inkling of unschooling even then!).  Oh! I know what I would be doing! I’d be a chef. I would serve fancy, pretty little meals, hardly enough to count as a bite, to people in small snooty restaurants. And if I ever came out to mingle with the masses, we would all roll our eyes in unison at all the snotty little kids and their inept parents. “Why don’t they just get a babysitter?!”

If the current me saw the me without kids, I don’t think I’d like myself much. But then again, on one of those hard days of parenthood, I dream of escaping to that world of pre-parenthood. “Why don’t we just get a babysitter?” Ah well….there’s no going back. My kids are by my side to stay, and overall, I am better for it.

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